NEWS ALERT: “I’m a bisexual,” says Janet Museveni after her husband passes Anti-LGBT bill

“That’s right,” she testified to a crowd of about 100 people at an undisclosed location just outside Uganda’s capital city of Kampala.  “I had always concealed it because I was a national icon, but I have finally decided the truth must be known if the country is to move forward, despite my status as a shining light for women in the political arena.”

First Lady Janet Kataaha Museveni’s announcement this afternoon comes as a shock just days after her husband, head-of-state Gen. Yoweri K. Museveni, agreed to place the final signature necessary on the polarizing “Anti-Gay Bill.”

“When my hubby said ‘the mouth is for eating, not for sex,’ that was confirmation that I had to get out of the relationship.  I am considering whether divorce is the most appropriate option,” she detailed hesitantly to a notably shocked audience.  “Oral sex is really the only thing I had enjoyed with Mzee.  I tend to lean toward women anyway.  Should I now sacrifice sexual pleasure for politics?  For me, it is just not worth it.”  Attendees of the event indicated that at this point in her speech, some men interrupted her and escorted her somewhere outside of the event.

After her announcement, sources close to the President confirmed that Janet received a call from Norwegian Prime Minister Erna Solberg, inviting her to take asylum in the European nation.  Reporters have yet to confirm the current whereabouts of First Lady Janet Museveni.

Pastor Martin Ssempa, a popular anti-gay crusader well-known for his criticisms of LGBT bedroom techniques, brought a rally to City Square immediately upon hearing the news, telling reporters that “Now even our First Lady has descended to evil. Let her leave the country so we can keep Uganda pure.”  Several mzungus stood at the periphery of the scene, arguing loudly with each other, but keeping a safe distance.

“There will always be fanatics like these,” said a prominent staff member of the Dutch Embassy who was caught in the action while trying to board a coaster to Mukono.  “We just think those fanatics shouldn’t be the ones passing the laws, so we’re going to freeze our aid to Uganda.  They never build roads like we tell them to anyway.  They just buy themselves nice Mercedes.”  His assistant quickly added, “Europe taught Africa how to hate gays.  It took them forever.  Now we’re trying to teach them to love everybody.  Why all of the delay?”

The reporters were unable to obtain further comments from the Dutch representatives as the chaos became more chaotic.  A group of nearby women in miniskirts were being stripped naked by a mob of men.  The hundreds of uniformed police wielding guns in City Square resorted to their favorite tactic: tear gas, dispersing hundreds of people.  Two officers were seen carrying an indecently dressed teenage girl behind a crowded shopping center.

Meanwhile, underage exposure to pornography has risen to an all-time high, according to a coalition of organizations in Kampala who have conducted early 2014 research on pressing sexuality issues, surveying pupils of 48 public and private schools across the capital city’s many neighborhoods.  The same coalition also reported yesterday that non-hetero-normative inmates of Luzira prison are experiencing “a slight increase in intensity of torture.”  Another statistic that has apparently risen drastically in the past 48 hours, along with reported rape cases, is “number of gays in rural districts being accused of loadshedding government power supplies.”

Lou Engle, a popular preacher who frequents Uganda, enjoys telling people in his own country that homosexuality is bad there, too.

Lou Engle, a popular preacher who frequents Uganda, enjoys telling people in his own country that homosexuality is bad there, too.

– Report submitted anonymously to protect the identity of the authors

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